The Red Moustache Manuscripts

The Red Moustache Manuscripts contains vignettes chronicling over a half century of adventures. Some of the stories are amusingly funny while others can be seriously enlightening. So come in and enjoy a truly unique experience!

Take a seat...

Sometimes where we choose to sit is very revealing. Take for instance, restaurants. Do we prefer booths or tables? I'm a booth kind of guy. Tables, especially ones in the middle of the room, leave you exposed. I could deal with a table at the perimeter, but not in the middle. I like the comfort and privacy of a booth. Similarly, I'm not a bar person. When I was younger I liked dealing with the bartender directly and not a middleman, like a waiter or waitress. And having two strangers at my sides while I got annihilated, wasn't necessarily a bad thing. The grownup me doesn't like seats at bars, including diners. I feel like it's a seat in "coach", that the first class seats are the booths. When I went out to dinner with an old male friend and I suggested we get a booth he told me people would think we were gay... I told him he could do a lot worse. He's single and obviously insecure, so we sat at a table...

Movie theaters... I have to get there 35 minutes early so I can choose my seat. Those who arrive late let guys like me dictate where they'll sit. I can't sit too close or too far back. In fact, I must be in the center section, middle-middle. Isle seats are at the mercy of other peoples bladders- not a good thing! My evil comes out when I have a strangers ass in my face... I can't sit in the two side sections either. Those are last minute choices I'm sure. But the only thing that pisses me off more than getting a less than perfect seat, is the late arrivals. They show up like seeing a movie was a last minute decision. Even during trailers I don't want an obstructed view because some a-hole was running late. And tall people, you have to get there early to allow others the opportunity to avoid sitting behind you. Nothing worse than a late arriving tall patron with good posture. I find that choosing a good seat should include finding one with a short individual already seated in front of you. Just a thought...

Concerts... I get it that people are moved by the music. If I was in a gospel church I'd expect to stand up. But if I paid for a good seat at a concert and some a-hole with a better seat than mine, say two rows closer, stands up to dance, it's like "This is NOT Woodstock! Sit the fuck down!" It all starts in the front with people who have the best seats and the least amount of concern for those seated behind them. I was at a Steely Dan concert when I ran into two such fellows... And these were white guys with absolutely no rhythm. They stood up and looked like George W Bush getting all funky with Michelle Obama. I couldn't see. So... I got up and stood right in front of them and started my hallelujahs. They didn't like it. The usher was called in. It was like the NFL referee who throws the flag at the retaliator. I was scolded for my behavior and told to return to my seat. But I did go face-face with the doofuses. They were feeling me and they smartened up quickly...

Classrooms... I always sat back row, end seat in grade school, either side, preferably door side. I liked the privacy of only having two other kids to deal with. Of course, as I've gotten older I naturally migrated to the front so I could see. Now I'm in the 'kiss-ass" section, but it's for a good reason.

At a baseball game I prefer the view from the third base side. I can sit on the first base side, but never down the right field line. Again, middle of the isle insures that you will not be a slave to someone else's bladder!

On a plane I break all my own rules. Call me a pessimist, but I fully expect to crash and when we don't I'm relieved. So I like to sit behind the wing on a window. If it goes down I want to get the best view before it's over. I was once told "When your number's up, it's up- But when you're on a plane and the guy sitting next to you, his numbers up, you're going down too!"

In a doctor's office waiting room I can feel the germs stuck to the seats. I no longer read any germ infested magazines and I sit as far away from other sick people as I can. And I'll get up and move if I have to. I assume everyone's contagious. I'm just hours away from committing to wearing a blue surgical mask every time. Once my son had me drive him to an appointment during the winter months, windows rolled up, and he didn't mention how sick he was, causing me to get very, very sick. The next time I picked him up at college I had two surgical masks and we each wore them while we drove to his appointment. It was a funny moment, but he was not to be trusted ever again...

On a bus, subway or train it's nice to take them at odd times when lots of seats are available. I'll sit anywhere then except outside the stinky bathrooms. Unfortunately, trains and busses usually fill up fast and you're forced to breathe a lot of common air. I don't like it. I avoid public transportation if at all possible.

In elevators I try and assess the occupants before I get on and if I'm alone I just might pass on a run or two. My feeling is that the elevator may get stuck and I wonder are these the people I want to get stuck with? If there's hesitation, I wait. If I decide to get on, I favor getting in on the right, left facing out, and pressing buttons on that side. I usually move quickly to the back corner and stand near the wall. As a rule, I don't trust people on elevators...

I don't like lines either. If I'm forced to stand in long lines I'm on the verge of becoming a full-fledge maniac. It's a lot like claustrophobia, but without a medical excuse. I take deep breaths and try and relax. That's why I don't enjoy going out for ice cream on hot days. Really? I eat ice cream year round. The hot weather doesn't suddenly call me to a dairy bar- But it does a lot of people. If I bump into you in September, October and November getting some ice cream, I have no problem standing behind you in July and August. But if you're only a hot weather fan of ice cream, I'm not happy standing behind you.

In my own home I have to deal with the seating preferences of my wife. Happy wife-Happy life! We all grow up sleeping on a twin mattress. It's all ours. We sleep in the middle and sprawl out. We get a bigger mattress when we live with a significant other. That's where it begins. Taking sides. My wife likes to sleep on the left side as you look at the bed from the foot end. When you first move in together, you live in the middle anyways, but as you get older your side is your side. I give in or I give up, doesn't matter to me. She carries her preference with her on vacation too. On the couch she likes to read at the far end of the L-shape, by the end table and lamp. Understandable. But when she's done reading she'll boot me out of the other end, her preference for watching TV. So you think I'm a wimp? When we first had kids I sat at the head of the table. I liked it and I felt like the "Patriarch". As time went on my wife positioned herself at the head without explanation. Since she prepared the meals and cleaned up after them, who was I to argue? I began sitting with the rank and file, on the sides. The only disadvantage is that the heads of the table rely on the sides to pass food, so the sides become waiters and waitresses, constantly passing food around the table. I don't mind passing the food plates, but I must admit that I don't like putting them back. By then my fork is usually full. I suppose my change of seating would have been more agreeable if my wife hadn't started taking the big piece of chicken too. Must be a privilege of those seated at the head...

Not that seating is everything, but different seats offer different perspectives. In "Dead Poets Society" Mr. Keating has his students stand on his desk to experience this change. I think we should all heed his advice. We can't get too comfortable where we're seated. Change is good!

Powered by Squarespace.  Copyright 2014 Vincent LeVine